I told him the Jays were a desperate bunch, which is cheddar cheese to a puppy dog in devil-speak. I gave him my hard sell. Cmon, buddy. Cmon, Sweet Lu. Our All Star-shortstop Jose Reyes, finally healthy, literally leads off the season by taking his first at bat, popping out, then proceeding to walk off the field and on to the disabled list. Maybe hes out for two weeks, maybe four months, maybe hes taking up painting. The team, left with a defence only Abbott and Costello could love, is even more desperate than when it was just known for jettisoning its best young talent for knuckleballers pushing 40 - he stopped me right there. He smiled deep and wide, his horns dewy with anticipation. He was ready to make a deal.Fine, I said. I will bypass my desires for fame or fortune or a game of wall ball with Lloyd Moseby and put my deal making skills to work for our boys in royal blue. So, fellow fan, you are welcome. Allow me to outline the exact details of how this season is going to go down (as hashed out between me and Mr. Three Prong, Son of Perdition).(Disclaimer: if you are planning to use this remarkably accurate information for gambling, I urge you to keep investing that extra money into lotto scratchers, lest we have a Back To The Future situation on our hands. APRIL (14-13 record, .519)The Jays whimper out of the gate, getting crushed on Opening Day, then lose 7 of 10, doing a bang-on impersonation of the mediocre team we thought they were. Thats when the cauldron bubbles and the thick smoke rolls in and the creepy carnival comes to town. What happens specifically? Maybe the entire Red Sox roster contracts syphilis. Maybe Derek Jeter becomes a clubhouse cancer in his final diva-tirade-filled season. Maybe Camden Yards becomes Marlo Stanfield turf. Maybe Tampa Bay management decides the empty cavern they play in would be better monetized by jai alai tournaments. Listen, I dont ask El Diablo how he gets stuff done, I just sit back and enjoy the results which Im assured come with no consequences. MAY (31-26, .544)Little known fact about devil-dealing: May is Buy One, Get One Free Month! Thats across the board, whether youre looking for life extension or to unravel the happiness of a sworn enemy. Why not do both?Truly, Beelzebub has little to do with the Blue Jay surge of May. The team plays a whopping 18 games at home, and with the city still suffering from an endless winter, the Rogers Centre roof is only opened once all month, a paralyzing condition visiting teams cannot physically handle (the technical term is "depression"). (Sidenote: I apologize for not asking The Crimson Sausage, Enemy Of Christ to improve the weather. The Cable Box on Blue Jay Way is the Bikram Yoga studio of stadiums.*) (*Bikram yoga is also known as hot yoga.**) (**Hot yoga is a thing you do when you are a 22-year-old girl or a thing you do when you are trying to impress a 22-year-old girl).JUNE (48-36, .571)Until mid-June, the league hadnt noticed the Jays ascension to the ranks of the privileged, largely because after twenty years spent ignoring someone, it is perfectly understandable that you might mistakenly walk past them in the hall and fail to notice the shotgun they are holding. But the Jays had now arrived, and their demands were going to be met, even if Barb in accounting didnt know their goddamn name. Josh Thole was gonna make sure you remember.We gotta give props to The Author Of All Sin, because he works the impossible this month. Jose Reyes is back in the lineup in time for his birthday (June 11) and his bobblehead day (June 8 for those fair weather fans planning to attend). To think, how many nasty critics said meaningful baseball would never be played in Toronto again in July?JULY (62-48, .564)With just a paltry nine home games on tap, our Blue Man Group must do their damage on the road, visiting Tampa Bay, New York and Boston. In a month-long celebration of Canada Day, our national baseball representatives do just that, proving Canadians to be fearless and capable. (Flipside: After witnessing the condition of our departing players hotel rooms, it is clear we Canucks may lack some respect for the environment. I believe the players call it, "doing it Harper-style").The All-Star break falls in July, an annual tradition typically partaken by Jose Bautista and a middle reliever nobody knew was on the team. 2014 proves to be no different despite being a dozen games over .500 at the break. Respect will have to be earned. FYI, did you wanna know who wins this years All-Star game, giving their respective League home field advantage in the World Series? Answer: NOBODY. Nobody [expletive] wins with a rule that stupid.AUGUST (79-57, .581)On August 11, Colby Rasmus turns 28. That same day, Melky Cabrera turns 30. The Prince Of Darkness promises me these achievements will be met and hes been totally standup so far.Playing every division rival at home this month, The Descendants of Alfredo Griffin enjoy their greatest month this century, forcing Vegas to recognize them as a team and set World Series odds. They are given 60-1 chances, though in metric it works out to a more sensible 18-1.(For those of you uncomfortable with how fashioned this season is by Oh Wicked One, Im not saying you have to worship the Father Of All Lies, Founder Of Murder. Im just saying, if youre a ball fan, you should probably send him a card. Maybe bath salts. Nothing fancy).SEPTEMBER (93-69, .574)A peculiar month of scheduling down the home stretch. Sensibly, the Jays visit every division rivals park. Oddly, they play the Chicago Cubs for an unknown reason my sources tell me may have involved money and bad judgement.2014 ends in a dog fight -- a climax of tension and emotion and games that are still a little too long -- all in the service of the Jays holding on for their first playoff appearance ever (in the lives of the children whose aging fathers drag them to the games). We did it! Were number 4 or 5!And there you have it: 93 wins. 1 wild card spot. 0 logical discrepancies. Is it getting hot in here?Gallays Poll #5Lets say we dont know what we know. With how many wins doth the Blue Jays finish?A) <70 -- I am familiar with the team. The win total will be commensurate with the talent level.B) 70-81 -- I dont pay much attention to the baseballs but have read a few headlines.C) 82-89 -- I rarely hear about the Jays anymore. Is Kelly Gruber still with the team?D) 90+ -- I dont understand how baseball works. Air Max 97 Ultra 17 Red . According to MMAFighting.com, MacDonald needs an x-ray on his right ankle and doctors clearance to fight or he will be subject to a mandatory medical suspension that will end on August 22, 2014. Nike Air Max 97 Just Do It Black . -- Augusta James of Bath, Ont. http://www.outletairmax97.com/air-max-97...hite-cheap.html. Numbers Game looks into the Wild getting Matt Moulson from Buffalo. The Wild Get: LW Matt Moulson and LW Cody McCormick. Air Max 97 Undefeated For Sale . -- Byron Scott is taking over the Los Angeles Lakers with the vocal support of his fellow Showtime greats. Air Max 97 Silver Bullet For Sale . Reimer told TSNs Mark Masters on Tuesday that he doesnt know if he will be moved leading up to the March 5 trade deadline but added he wasnt interested in discussing it. "Who knows whats going to happen on the horizon here and right now I dont know if I want to talk about it too much.ORCHARD PARK, N.Y. -- Receiver Stevie Johnson is heading to his hometown San Francisco 49ers after being the odd man out in Buffalo. The Bills traded Johnson to the 49ers on Friday in a deal made before the start of the second round of the NFL draft. In exchange, Buffalo acquired an undisclosed pick next year. ESPN reported it was a conditional fourth-round selection. The deal was made a day after the Bills traded up five spots to select Clemson receiver Sammy Watkins with the fourth pick. Watkins addition was the latest in a series of moves the Bills have made to restock their receiver position, and it led to Johnson being expendable after six seasons in Buffalo. The Bills also acquired receiver Mike Williams in a trade with Tampa Bay last month. Last year, Buffalo used second- and third-round picks to draft Robert Woods and Marquise Goodwin. Johnson left Buffalo on Thursday, when he was spotted on a flight that landed in Las Vegas about an hour after Buffalo drafted Watkins. "Todays decision was not an easy one to make, especially involving a player like Stevie, who leaves everything he has on the field and is an emotional leader in our locker room," Bills general manager Doug Whaley said. "All of the decisions we make are done so in the best interest of our team." The 49ers, by comparison, had a need for receiver and were expected to address the position in the draft. San Francisco instead gained an experienced player in Johnson to fill a key spot as San Franciscos likely No. 3 receiver behind Michael Crabtree and Anquan Boldin. While Boldin received a new $12 million, two-year contract in March, Crabtree is entering the final season of his contract and San Francisco lost Mario Manningham in free agency. Johnson spent the past four seasons as a starter in Buffalo. He became the Bills first player to break 1,000 yards receiving in consecutive seasons in 2010-11, and extended the streak in 2012. 49ers first-round draft pick safety Jimmie Ward was thrilled to learn of the addittion of Johnson as the defender made the rounds at team headquarters Friday.dddddddddddd "Its awesome," Ward said. "Im a competitor so I like to play against the best guys. If youve got a lot of best guys on your team, thats only going to get me better at the end of the day." Johnsons numbers dropped last year, when he finished with 52 catches for 597 yards in 12 games. Aside from being slowed by an assortment of injuries, he was excused by the team for the final two games of the season following the death of his mother. Overall, he has 301 catches for 3,842 yards and 28 touchdowns in 75 games. Johnson is from San Francisco and played collegiately at Kentucky. The Bills selected him in the seventh round in 2008. At 6-foot-2 and 207 pounds, Johnson can play on the outside, but is best suited to play an inside slot position. Johnson is known for his outgoing personality and colorful touchdown celebrations that have, on occasion, gotten him into trouble. Former Bills coach Chan Gailey benched Johnson for the final three quarters of Buffalos 2011 season finale. The discipline occurred after Johnson was penalized a second time that season for an excessive touchdown celebration. The Bills, who havent made the playoffs in 14 seasons, are counting on Watkins to add a dynamic threat to an offence that lacked consistency last season under rookie quarterback EJ Manuel. Whaley acknowledged the risk he took with a "win-now" approach by giving up a No. 9 pick this year, plus a first- and fourth-round pick next year in trade with Cleveland to select Watkins. Thats fine with Watkins, who arrived in Buffalo earlier in the day. "Throughout my whole life Ive had high expectations of myself," Watkins said. "I cant wait to get it started." In three seasons, Watkins set 23 school records, including career marks with 240 catches and 3,391 yards. His 27 career touchdowns matched a school record. AP Sports Writer Janie McCauley in Santa Clara, California, contributed to this report. ' ' '